Is the plural of bidet even supposed to be bidets or is it bideti? The zany topic of this highly personal contraption became a bit of a distracting public spectacle at a Red Deer restaurant recently – sorry to anyone who was sitting nearby! The three of us were so excited for our summer luncheon, it felt like we had planned a playdate! We used to work together and don’t seem to get together often enough, so it was already a happy day. A wee bit of perfectly chilled white may have been involved, but our conversation took a bit of a wayward turn.
Started innocently, with complaints about the cost of groceries and each of us sharing what is most aggravating about the situation. Coffee topped the list, lightbulbs a close second. Toilet paper has become so expensive, we pondered the days of yore when our grandmothers used pages torn from catalogues and should we possibly resurrect the practice. “Or we could just get a bidet,” my friend offered.
This stumped the other two of us, and we proceeded to pump her with questions. You still have to wipe, right, so you’re not saving toilet paper (note: if you see a towel rack situated low on the wall directly behind a bidet, don’t use those towels to dry your hands!) The only one I’ve really seen is way back in my backpacking days when there was one at the old hostel we stayed at in France. It stumped us both 45 years ago, as we wondered why anyone would want to drink from a water fountain that was placed inside a toilet.
My other friend offered that she knew someone who turned it on and it shot right up and blasted him in the eye. Could have a dual purpose as a nasal rinse, we suggested, and the laughter started getting a bit louder.
They’re not inside toilets anymore, the friend who originally suggested it told us, they sit as a separate unit right beside the toilet. Like you just jump over to the next seat, we wondered, and do you still use toilet paper? “I’m not sure, I’ll just text my son,” she replied, “He has a new house and they seem to be installing them in new builds these days.”
As my mind began trying the upcoming text conversation on for size, she quickly decided to change tactics and consult the google instead. Well, who knew the many uses for bidets? Not us and perhaps we’ll never be the same again. You can wash your feet in them, even without water (which begs many questions about the miraculous nature of the device). But there’s more! You can also wash your pets and small children (which seems slightly alarming).
As we hoped that no one was actually doing that, we figured it was much easier to just continue laying out the cash for toilet paper.
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