Today I heard a radio announcer utter the phrase ‘the certainty of confusion’ and immediately fell in love with its irony. It was made in reference to the leader of the country to the south, but it was uttered during a week when I was diving deep into a reflection of my own relationship with the concept of permission. Certainty of confusion is a precise description of that relationship. To me the principle of permission is as deep and complex as trying to assemble a new piece of furniture that arrived in a flatbox – something I was also struggling with this week.
Do you ever stop to give yourself permission for moving forward with something – proceeding to say something big and irreversible to someone, making difficult staffing changes, serving something for dinner that will challenge a mild-seeking palette? What about permission for sharing the words and thoughts of someone else (which we used to call gossip)? Sharing someone’s information may seem small but might carry big hurts.
Permission is a sketchy premise to me. I’ve always thought it was something I bestowed upon others – those who bother to ask for it. Can I borrow the car, type of thing. Cut and dried, right? What about instances of more gravity – like the time I was a young adult at my first corporate job and got into a grim situation with my boss with whom I didn’t make the extent of my permission clear. Funny, now, to allow the concept of permission to shift blame from the perpetrator. Young people seem much more clear and ready to engage in the many steps of dispensing permission all along the way. They actively seek permission – do we?
Permission isn’t blurry bits of gestures and ideas that accumulate enough to be regarded as consent. Even trying to write about it is a muddy concept to explore and articulate. The bottom line needs to be the actual definition of permission: authorization granted to do something; formal consent. So I take back my thoughts (if you even can take back a thought – this column is getting even more confusing!) when I first poo-pooed the idea of deflating spontaneously by seeking permission All Along the way (permission to share a drink, permission to touch, permission to kiss, etc you get the idea). There are multiple steps in several situations where permission should be sought and given.
I’m striving to incorporate formal permission into everyday moments, and it is challenging what I believe to be ‘a given’. I’m not even sure I totally understand the slight difference in my thought process – it might be simply slowing down enough in my interactions and decisions long enough to know they are all good for everyone. Now if I can just figure out how to assemble this new night table!